Volume 12, Number 69, 2009

Manitoba Moments
by Susanna Voth Wiebe

This year in Winnipeg we could unfortunately paraphrase the poet’s famous statement: “Oh, what is so rare as a summer day”, meaning, in our case, rare as in “seldom seen”.

But there did come a row of delectable days. At the end of one my neighbours sat outside in the caressing breeze, breathing in sweet scents, and basking in golden evening prairie light.

Suddenly Jack burst out with a loud “DAMN!”

Shirley jumped. “What in the world’s the matter?”

Jack groaned, “Winter’s coming!”

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Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

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The nice thing about being senile is

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

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I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

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My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging” Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”